Transform defensiveness into genuine dialogue
In this one-day mini course, you'll decode the pattern of defensiveness, catch it early, and go from litigating to listening—so you can finally feel heard and actually resolve things together.
Get the mini course now $39You're caught in the single most common spiral I see in couples: the moment you try to talk about something challenging, you slip into defending instead of connecting.
You try to tell your partner something they did hurt you, and they get defensive. They start explaining, twist your words, say you're accusing them of something you're not.
Or maybe it's the other way around. You made a joke that landed as criticism. You were trying to be helpful and it felt like control.
Your intention was one thing. Their experience was something else entirely.
Now you're both tangled. One of you feels like your pain is being minimized, or that the conversation has been flipped. And one of you feels like your good intentions don't matter at all.
And there's the spiral. The same conflict, over and over, with different details. Same story, different font.
Defensiveness—this is what we're untangling.
Imagine your next hard conversation going differently.
Let me help. I'm Joshua Beckett, LMFT, a couples and trauma therapist.
Over the past 15 years I've helped hundreds of couples get through conflict just like this. Being a trauma therapist also means I'm keenly tuned into wounds that have happened not only during the course of your relationship, but long before you ever met.
I see relationships as ecosystems that both partners tend, not as containers for competing individual needs. This shift alone will change how you approach conflict.
I'm a regular speaker at national and state conferences, including NSAC, NAEA (CA), NCECA on topics that range from healing childhood trauma to using clay and pottery wheel to regulate the nervous system.
From this foundation of experience and insight, I created the Untangling Defensiveness mini-course to give you the specific tools to break this very common cycle.
Untangling Defensiveness
A one day, actionable mini-course designed to teach you a complete framework for moving past defensiveness and back into partnership and connection.
Lesson 1
You'll be able to:
- Recognize when you're in the defensive pattern
- Notice your body's warning signs before things escalate
- Name what's happening safely
- Start difficult conversations as a team instead of as adversaries
- Create a pause where choice becomes possible
Lesson 2
You'll be able to:
- Listen to your partner's experience without immediately defending yourself
- Honor their experience as real, even if it's different from yours
- Address harm first instead of deflecting with good intentions
- Help your partner feel seen instead of attacked or judged
Lesson 3
You'll be able to:
- Help your partner feel deeply seen, not just heard
- Create genuine shared understanding instead of winning an argument
- Distinguish between understanding and feeling understood (there's a difference!)
- Repair ruptures and move from litigation to listening
Downloadable practice guides including:
- How to recognize when the pattern is starting
- How to start difficult conversations as partners instead of opponents
- The complete step-by-step framework for truly understanding each other
- A simple daily practice to stay connected (one minute, no fixing required)
Practical exercises built into each lesson that you pause and practice together
Reflection prompts to deepen your understanding between lessons
A framework you can use immediately—not just theory, but actual tools for the conversations you're having now
What Past Clients Are Saying
Kevin & Shandra
"We're so grateful for you on this journey."
Rachel L
"Our confidence in our partnership during our work with you was so key for us. We still remind each other to give space, be supportive partners, and care for the relationship itself. So grateful."
Alex M
"I often think about this work and how grateful we are for all of your help. Your guidance made such a difference."
Ashley R
"Thank you again for guiding us through the important conversations we needed to have before getting married. You have helped us become better for ourselves and each other."
Kevin G
"Things with us have never been better."
Bridgette S
"I'm so happy to say we are thriving."
What You Might Be Asking
We've tried talking about this before and nothing works. Why is this different?
Won't this just be generic communication advice?
How much time will this take?
What if my partner won't do this with me?
Ready to change the conversation?
Your relationship is worth it. I'll guide you step-by-step. These are the same practices I use with couples every day in my private practice. Having these conversations can be hard. Getting my help by clicking a button is really easy.
